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Choosing an Elderly Care Home

How to Stay Sane in Hospital

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How to Stay Sane in Hospital Ramon Luder



Prior to admission - the likelihood is that there is a bed shortage. To ease the crisis, why not offer to bring your own bed from home.

Once settled on the ward you will encounter many noises, e.g. monitors buzzing, call buttons, snorers, coughers and other extraneous noises. Earplugs are an essential item.

As commodes are rickety and squeaky, a can of WD40 will be useful.


(cartoon by Daniel Kogan)

Should you need to use a bedpan, ask staff to warm it up in the microwave first.

During your stay, many individuals will examine your folder containing your notes. If any of them do not have identification, ask them who they are and why there are examining your notes, Hospital security is still lax, they could be any Tom, Dick, Harry or Sylvia.

When the shift changes, staff will discuss your history and diagnosis. If you don't agree with something, say so.

Should any family or friends bring you fried fish (Mrs Niman's can be recommended), don't expect NHS resources to provide brown sauce or pickled cucumber

UPON ADMISSION you will be issued with a paper identity bracelet indicating your name, date of birth and hospital no. Despite this, you will be asked your date of birth countless times .Plead memory loss. Though be careful they may think you have early Alzheimer's

Buy a newspaper from one of the volunteers pushing a heavy supermarket trolley, it will lighten their load and reduce back problems.

It is quite usual for there to be a rest period between 1p.m. and 3.30p.m. Should a nurse wish to take your blood pressure at 2p.m., ask them to return at 3.30p.m.

In some wards it is impossible to fully close the curtains around the bed to ensure privacy, so ask visitors to provide a roll of sticky tape.

To avoid a great deal of repetition about your condition/history/operation, why not issue a press release/daily e-mail?

If you are fortunate enough to receive visitors, encourage them to arrange a rota as there are often restrictions to 2 per patient. Encourage the playing of board games with fellow patients and compare notes on hospital food
Nursing staff often bring in their own food. Why not treat them to some latkes or lockshen pudding. Good healthy stuff.